Critique my short story?

[coldoktober]

Untitled

The sun wanted the flower for everything he was. She wanted his roots and his nutrients, his petals and his leaves. She knew he didn't want the same, but she'd decided she didn't care. She was willing to give so long as he took. He was happy while the sun knew she wasn't. But the flower's joy was enough for her, it always would be.

I wrote this about a past relationship I had with a guy. I'm the sun and he's the flower. At the end of our relationship, I saw him as something vulnerable that needed the support of a much greater being to thrive. During the relationship, however, I saw it the other way. I thought I was the weak one to give and give so much just for him to take. I think the sun feels she knows deep down that if she were to ignore the flower, he would parish. The flower, however, doesn't see how much the sun really means to him and takes her for granted. The sun tells herself this is okay because any attention from him is better than no.

[Fuck Yeah Dion]

The explanation at the bottom was unneccessary, as the piece was rather transparent. It's good that you're trying out extended metaphor and symbolism, but it should never be as simple as "I'm the sun and he's the flower." Plus, it's not really as much a metaphor as it is simple personification. I probably wouldn't even call this a "story" (though it has a conflict, it has no climax, resolution, or notable change between the characters).

This seems more like a diary entry, or an exercise written on the fly than an actual story, so take my advice with a grain of salt, as this story is clearly written as some form of catharsis.

[onlyaworkingtitle]

I have to agree with Dion on this -- it feels more like a brief journal entry than a story. My suggestion is to add line breaks, think about rhythm, and call it a poem instead.