Poems for Critique

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Here are a couple poems I wrote recently; I'd love to hear your thoughts on them, good, bad, and ugly.



"On Growing Apart"

I remember when you loved me—
when you held me tight at night,
whispering sweet secrets to only me,
your constant companion,
favored over all the others
you could have had;
you made me king of your
limited world, and we were safe
in the knowledge that together
we were invincible.

I remember when you loved me—
which is not to say that you no longer do,
only that it is now a habitual love,
sepia-colored with age; that now,
when you hold me in your sleep,
arms fitted in the shape they have
forgotten how to sleep without,
I know that you wish that you
could hold another body—
one that isn’t stuffed.




"Mary Jane"

I'm in love with Mary Jane.
She's my main thing.
She makes me feel alright.
She makes my heart sing.
—Rick James

So believes puny Peter Parker,
wandering the less reputable streets
of a disreputable city—“patrolling”.

Ever since he started hanging with that spider
with the radioactive munchies, he’s changed his name,
started wearing spandex in his free time,

alienated all his old friends who got between them,
got a dead-end job as a “freelance photographer,”
started beating people up in back alleys.

He lives in a delusion of heroism,
flying over the city, high as a kite,
doing whatever a spider can
to spend more time with his Mary Jane.

[ashshields]

So, I'm not so good at giving critique, at all. But I am really liking your writing. I can see you have a great ability to change style and mood (I read your short story too, and the style there is similar to Mary Jane, whereas On Growing Apart is written differently) and that's a really handy talent.
Erm. There's quite a bit more I want to mention for both poems, but I can't put it into words - it's getting late. But it's safe to say that I really liked both of them