Poetry Critique?

[quintupling]

Hello! I'm not quite sure if this is what this board is for, but if the writing divisor includes poetry and critiques, I was looking for a critique of some poetry I've written. By all means delete this thread if it doesn't fit into the guidelines.

warmth
silence is a breath
in the conversation your eyes and lips make
and makes me feel
a hyphen
in the parentheses of your smile

sorry
i can adore you if i try,
bend my love like
a steaming stab of metal,
redirect it like light
dancing through diamond prism,
i know i can!

but then i see him
and know it's a vain effort:
i can adore you and love for you,
but i can never stop loving him.

lilac
one day
my heart will beat through my skin
and climb its thump to my ears
my skin will flash red (and sustain)
legs shaking, hands giggling,
in and out of whispering lilac and excitable metallics,
and i will tell you how i’ve loved
the very yellow of your soul

i will be happy as you are,
(but i want to
make you
happy)

[Tori]

Yes, this is exactly what this board is for!
And, in my opinion, these poems are rather nice! Though, I'm absolutely no judge of poetry....mine is all miserable! haha

[Lizzie]

These are quite good, the first one is my favorite.

[quintupling]

Tori: Haha, it's all right! Thank you.

Lizzie: Thank you!

[embonpoint]

The first is just adorable. Have you read Anne Hathaway by Carol Ann Duffy? She does the same sort of thing with parts of English ("his touch/a verb dancing in the centre of a noun") and I just love that kind of thing.

I like lilac, too, but I'm not sure about the word "metallics"? Maybe I've missed the significance/point of the word, but I feel like it jumps out a bit too much; the image of metal seems a bit harsh when the rest of the poem is actually quite soft.

[cattink]

I love the first one as well, so cute.

[cyanea]

I'm going to echo the above critique about the word metallic, and extend it to that whole line. I think the poem's strength lies in your use of mostly short, single-syllabic words to make it sound light and flowery which charges it with a kind of transitory nature, like your feelings for the poem's target will eventually change and bloom like the flower does.

But that line is full of heavy, meaty words and throws off the flow, I think.

[brosephargh]

I love the first one: it's very my style of writing poetry. Maybe that's why I like it I think it's cute, appropriately metaphoric and gets the point across while maintaining a dainty feel.

As for the second one, I like that the first stanza has a pretty/soft feeling to it with the exception of the one line, ("a steaming stab of metal,") as a great representation of the emotions portrayed here. But I feel like the second stanza is where it becomes a bit too telling and cliche. Perhaps if you rework it to maintain the feel of the first stanza, while showing the emotions as opposed to outright telling the situation, it would work a bit better.

And I think for the most part I agree with the above Armadillos thoughts on your third poem.

But, like I said, I adore them all, as they're similar to my own style. Keep writing!

[quintupling]

Thank you! I did change the wording of that line. Thank you for your critique.

[quintupling]

brosephhargh: Yeah, I had a problem with what you mentioned in the second stanza of the second poem as well. Thank you!